Full House of Losers

Full House is one of my favorite shows. I know it’s terribly cheesy and pretty much sucks in every way possible, but I love it. Even though I love it, it has some of the worst characters ever to be on a TV show. Every single character is a huge loser. Please see the following examples in order from smallest loser to biggest loser.

Danny- He’s not all loser right? Danny actually has had a full-time job the entire run of the show. He went to college and graduated. He was married and lost his wife through no fault of his own. He also eventually started dating again and became engaged. The house they live in belongs to him and he apparently is pretty good at handling his money because he gives Joey & Jesse a large check to start a business in one episode. I think he is least of the losers on this show but, don’t worry, he’s still a loser. Why? His wife died and he decided he couldn’t handle taking care of his 3 girls so he invited his 2 best friends to move in with him. I wonder when he asked them to move in? I’m thinking it was probably at the funeral for his wife. He is often embarrassing his kids and family by being a loser on his stupid talk show “Wake Up San Francisco”. He is afraid to punish Michelle when she’s little. Of course, he finally realizes his folly, puts her in the corner and she has learned her lesson and is no longer a brat. Biggest Loser Moment– Danny wants to be in Jesse’s loser band “Hot Daddy and the Monkey Puppets”. He almost gets in too but is beaten out at the last minute by a bigger loser, Viper.

Becky- She’s not all loser right? Becky has a full time job and her own place to live (at least until she marries the king of all losers). She also knows how to care for horses and is a hard worker. She’s still a loser though. Why? Becky chose to marry into this family of losers and she chose the King Loser as her husband. Before she married Jesse, she paid 2,000 dollars at a date auction to go on a date with him even though he had been asking her out for months. She also lives with her coworker (Danny). Biggest Loser Moment- Because her loser husband is too sad to move down the street from his family, Becky asks Danny if they can move into the attic so Jesse doesn’t have to be sad and be away from the girls.

The Girls (DJ, Stephanie, Michelle) – They aren’t all loser right? They seem to be smart enough and get good grades. They love each other a lot. They are kids but they don’t have much of a chance to grow up to be full of win. Why? Everyone of the girls is horribly obnoxious. They think that adults want to hear them sing, watch them dance or think it’s funny when they say things like “How Rude!” or “You got it dude!”. They all think that Joey is hysterically funny and they think of him as a friend and contemporary. Biggest Loser Moments– Because the girls all think Joey is so funny they sometimes try to copy his unfunny impressions. On Michelle’s first day of Kindergarten she introduced herself talking in a Bullwinkle voice.  Thankfully, all the other kids thought she was slow and weird and didn’t want to be her friend. She went to whine to her bigger sister Stephanie and instead of telling Michelle that talking like Bullwinkle was a stupid thing to do and she would never make friends like that, Stephanie went to Michelle’s class and told them that Michelle was cool and that was the “cool way to say hello”. Then Stephanie makes them all talk like Bullwinkle and she makes the other kids thank Michelle for “making them a little bit cooler”.

Joey- He’s not all loser right? Joey did go to college. That’s about all I can think of as to why Joey is not a loser. Why? Joey is obsessed with cartoons, especially, Rocky & Bullwinkle, Popeye and Yogi Bear. He often turns into these characters at stupid times thinking it’s funny. He has been doing the same unfunny stand up routine for over 10 years as seen in one episode where they find an old tape of Danny & Joey doing a show in college  in the late 70’s.  He is always trying to be successful but never quite makes it. He hosts many kids shows and gets fired from all of them. In-between unsuccessful TV shows he works in advertising with Jesse and as a radio DJ. He fails at both of those too. He also isn’t actually related to anyone in the house so he isn’t forced to be there but stays because he can’t be away from “the girls”. Biggest Loser Moment– Joey gets his “big break” and goes on Star Search. He does the same unfunny routine but somehow managers to get 4 stars, which is a perfect score. However, the other contestant also gets 4 stars. There is a tie so the audience gets to pick the winner. Of course Joey loses because he sucks and everyone knows it but the Tanner family. Of course, they don’t say how many votes Joey got but I can assume correctly the only people who voted for him were the Tanners.

Jesse- He’s not all loser right? Jesse doesn’t look like he should be a loser. He’s way hot, has great hair and dresses pretty cool (at least for the time). But don’t be fooled! He is all loser! Why? Jesse didn’t even graduate high school. He got his feelings hurt in English class one day because he hadn’t done his homework and his teacher called him out on it. Despite his non-education he managed to get some OK jobs but his passion has always been music. He started out as an Elvis impersonator but the music he really wants to make is the kind you would hear living on Wuss Cliff. He can’t seem to write songs that are any good so he usually ends up playing old mid-life crisis tunes with his enormous band (Seriously, his band has like 25 members). His first band gets mad at him for being more concerned with his stupid kids and family than the music and they kick him out. Jesse then forms another band, Hot Daddy and the Monkey Puppets. He ends up getting his big break and makes a video that they play on MTV and goes on tour in Japan. The song is a remake of a Beach Boys song and the whole video is full of pictures of his little fug kids who he can’t tell apart. (I’ve added the video at the end. I dare you to watch it and not giggle the whole way though.) When he goes on tour he misses the girls too much and decides he can’t be a big rock star now because he would miss them.  Biggest Loser Moment- Jesse actually manages to court Becky and gets her to marry him. After they get back from their honeymoon he packs all his stuff and moves to Becky’s house but he ends up secretly weeping after saying goodbye to Michelle. After everything is moved into Becky’s place she wants to get it on with her new husband but Jesse can’t stop thinking about how much he misses the girls so Becky makes up some lie about how they can’t stay there and they need to go spend the night at Danny’s. The next day they move back into Danny’s house.

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