When I was growing up we sort of celebrated Halloween. We didn’t go nuts by decorating our house and my mom never dressed up. I was allowed to go trick or treating but I wasn’t allowed to be anything bad or super scary like a ghost, goblin or witch. I really wanted to be a witch for some reason. One year I was supposed to be getting dressed at my grandma’s house for trick or treating and my mom was going to take me out when she got home from work. I told my grandma that I really wanted to be a witch not Strawberry Shortcake. So my grandma put a witch hat on my head, gave me a broom and smeared lipstick on my face and told me I was “Strawberry Shortcake Witch”. I was probably the first and last person to wear that costume.
We’re getting ready to get ready for Halloween here in the Whitlock house. I found a really cute Dorothy costume at Goodwill last week in Zoe’s size. She’s never seen the Wizard of Oz and I think it might be my least favorite movie ever but, I think she would be adorable as Dorothy. I told her she’d get to wear red sparkle shoes and she quickly gave in. Who can resist red sparkle shoes? Well, a few days ago, out of nowhere she tells me that she decided she wants to be a banana. A banana? Who wants to be a banana? I told her I thought she wanted to be Dorothy and wear sparkle shoes. She told me she thought a banana would be more fun. I told her I’d try to find a banana costume in her size and guess what? I found one on some costume website. I’ve never been to a costume website but have I been missing out on some crazy. There are your normal costumes like princesses, cartoon characters, “scary” things and slutty things, but then there costumes that make me wonder who in their right mind would wear out in public. Here are a few of my favorites:
S**t Costumes: Who knew so many people wanted to dress up like poop. There are many variations which include the “Crock of S**t”, “Chicken S**t”, “No S**t Sherlock”, “”Bull S**t”, “Holy S**t” and my personal favorite “Poo Poo Platter”. There are actually more versions but I couldn’t bring myself to type them all out.
Oops costumes: Above you have the “goosh pants”. Here’s what they have to say about these: “The Goosh Pants tastefully (or not so “tastefully”, depending on your appreciation of toilet humor) display a yellow spray down the front – vibrantly indicating that you have urinated on yourself. Not enough for you? Flip ’em around to showcase the excitement of “sliding into third”. I can’t believe these are on clearance! Another “oops” costume tells you to “Squeeze the hand pump and watch everyone run. Looks like real poop!” What can I say? SOLD!
The “I have a peen” costumes: Apparently there is a huge population of guys who want you to know that they have a peen. The picture is of one called “Longuini and meatballs”. I think it’s my favorite because the guy looks so proud. Like the S**t costumes there are many variations including the “snake charmer”, “genie in the bottle” and “hot dog vendor”. There is even one for the guys who don’t want to be quite so subtle called Erectus the Fantastic Schlong. I’m positive that if you’ve chosen one of these costumes you will find yourself on Tool Academy soon.
I’m such a man, I will dress up like a woman: Please meet Anita Waxin and her friend Camille Toe. One person who had dressed up as Anita reviewed the costume and thought that it might not be a good costume to wear to church. Really? I’m pretty sure that the guy modeling these is the same as the guy with the longuini. He’s still so proud.